Monday, February 11, 2013

Describe it, with Emotion

As soon as Teffi walked into the room, she smelled the stench of ale spilled and the accomaning illness of patrons who had imbibed too much.  The cook banged pots and pans, the clanging echoed into the empty main room.  Hollow.  Perhaps the cook wanted to fill the silence, to drive off the lingering ghosts of last night's ruccous. But it didn't.

The whole room stood before her, as iuf waiting.  Watching.   Ten round table clusterd at the center of the room.  Their stained and chipped wood had certainly seen better days, and now looked forlorn without the guests to give them significance. 

Six booths lineds the walls, wrapping around a corner, hidden in darkness under shuttered windows.  The bar to the left of the entryway was the only surface that glistened. It drew the eye there.  Where meals and pitchers would be set and the girls would come and sweep them off the counter to dreliver to waiting patrons. 

The flow of food and alchohol would distract from the otherwise lackluster color and quality of floor, walls, tables. 

Without the bustle, the room just stood there, barren, lost.  Exposed for its true nature: plain, dull, and worn out by too many parties and too many guests and too much attention.  Ragged and older than it should be. 

Teffi sank into one of the chairs and traced a deep gash in a round table.

The clacxking stopped.  She caught her breath, finding the silence disarming.

"You're here early," said the cook, a dish towel hanging from a chubby hand.  

--How'd I do?


  1. Very well. I loved all the use of senses. For a flash it works well. For a full length novel, you might want to cut down the description a bit, but I think you did well with the experiment.


  2. Thanks! Yeah, it is only likely to live as an experiment :)

  3. Hi Drea
    I came looking for Romantic Friday Writers. Not sure if you plan to still post, I hope so.

    As to this story, well written. You need a few edits. A couple words are misspelled in the beginning. As you progress in writing, (and I hope I don't offend you,) you will learn to catch unnecessary words. For example this sentence: It drew the eye there. Can be rewritten as, It drew the eye. There is not necessary and will save on word count while making you writing tighter and giving you a more polished finish.

    I read your profile. We share many of the same interest.