I hate these weeks. No amount of coffee seems able to keep the grogginess at bay. My focus swings between different projects, different goals, until I am spending more time trying to fit my life into little to do lists and calendars than I am writing down anything of true importance.
So I funnel more energy back into the job search and housework. The job search depresses me, and housework makes me feel more in control of surroundings. The balance is supposed to help me keep up with writing as I achieve these other goals.
But, frankly, I have good weeks and worse weeks.
I think part of it is because I need to spend a lot of time...just in my own head. That makes me feel lazy after awhile. I need it, for my writing, for my self-confidence, for knowing myself well enough to know what move to make next. But when I have nothing solid, nothing physical, to demonstrate the progress I'm making internally, I feel like I've been lazy. I may've gotten 4 hours of exercise, pacing while I think, but that's nothing to show for writing, and it eats into the job search...and after awhile I just get tired.
So I forgive myself sleeping in more mornings than not. I sift through the job sites' email lists. I take yet another state exam.
I dedicate a day to catching up on housework that, when feeling tired and borderline overwhelmed, I permit to slide.
Then I write. So the writing goes slowly, but it goes.
There are times where I feel my life is either on or off track, and sometimes I'm good for whole months, and sometimes...I'm not. I haven't completed a rough draft of a novel, or a bunch of short stories in a number of years. So I know plugging on will do a lot for my own sense of my capabilities. Some days I just wish I were faster at it.
You sound really down. :( You are getting quite a bit accomplished, even if it doesn't seem like it. Job searches are bad for the soul, make you feel bad about yourself, doubt yourself. I hope you can continue to make progress with your writing and the job search goes well.
ReplyDeleteThank you Shannon. I agree, job searches are very bad for the soul. So writing is my salve, even if I am constantly demanding more of myself. I suppose that's just who I am. The job search has gone on for three years. I am not a competitive person. I can be ambitious, I can push myself, but competition makes me uneasy. So I think that has been a disadvantage in the job-seeking world. But writing...thank goodness that I have it, I wouldn't know how to face the hardships in life without it. So I might be hard on myself, but I will progress on both fronts :) I am nothing if not persevering ...
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