Sorry For the Pause

So the last month I have spent many hours huddled under the blankets on the couch. The heater has been out, and the overdue rains finally came. The house was cold, so cold I couldn't get myself to move unless I had the prospect of leaving the house.

There were some days that it was colder in the house than outside. Many evenings, watching some show with my guy, something would make me laugh and my breath would be visible in front of my face. I have gone through tea, cocoa, and ramen just because they were warm.

Meanwhile, I have been applying for more work, frustrated by the effort to make ends meet. I'm not here to complain--but it would be a lie to say everything is all right.

I'm trying to make the best of it, but when the resumes go in and nothing comes out of it, 3 years running and the few instances where jobs seem on the horizon, small business owners change their minds as to what they want from their business and leave me hanging...I am at a loss. I don't even know what to make of my situation.

I just keep plugging on, plunging on. But seriously--the definition of craziness is repeating the same action expecting a different result, right? So I switch up my style, and try to tote my abilities more. I approach it like fiction, so that my writing can become less self-conscious. I fiddle with word choice and sentence structure and form, daring a level of boldness the two-years-ago-me would have been appalled by.

Daily worries overtake me again, and writing, reading, blogging, intellect begin to pale in comparison to just finding a way to subsist another month.

But the landlord finally had the repair people replace the heater today. Here's hoping my attitude improves with my ability to move around the house again, and the warmth inside our tiny abode makes life and overcoming present circumstances seem possible once more.

Until Tomorrow-- hanging in there.