Changes in My Head

I started the rewrite of Silver Mask about a year ago. It was taking a dramatically different path than I expected. Then I stalled. Not for lack of ideas, but mostly due to life.

And this stalling hasn’t been bad. I know that sounds weird, but I have mentioned the importance of prewriting in my previous posts. The ideas have kicked around, rolled around and somewhere along the line they grew up.

I think life has had an affect. I have gone through a very dark period the last two years, with this last year being the absolute darkest. This reality has altered how I treat my characters. As a response, the setting and plot and every little bit has changed.

Oh, and the change is for the better! I am no longer afraid to torture my characters. As I have fought depression, anger, and bitterness and been forced to accept these things in me it ha become all right for my characters to have the same flaws and others as well.

Source: sharbuck.tumblr.com via Drea on Pinterest

They may have been flawed before, but I think I over-romanticized them. That leaves the world feeling a little too sanitary. It’s bright colored and clean in the mind’s eye rather than dark, dirty and gritty.

Source: kesrows.tumblr.com via Drea on Pinterest

As reality lies somewhere between those two extremes, so do my characters need to be between the extremes, rather than standing nearer one end. This means that I can allow my characters to mature and let their emotions determine plot as much as the inevitable outcome I know the story will take. The tale becomes a lot more character driven.

I must say, too, that going through a darker period seriously informs one’s idea of how to torture characters, and how they react to adversity. There are things that have happened in the “prewriting” that are about to come out on the computer screen that I never would have considered. I would never have exploited my main female character’s naivete because, perhaps, I didn’t want her to be naive. It makes sense to have her be more trusting at the story’s beginning and through her trials the stuff that I was “telling” in previous drafts is shown instead and in a way that couldn’t happen before.

Images:

Landscape: Pinterest

City: sharbuck.tumblr.com

Selfishness

When I first encountered advice to writers telling them they needed to be “selfish” in order to realize their projects, I understood it intrinsically. I understood that with dedication comes sacrifice.

I had no problem sacrificing my High School GPA or spending 8 years in college in order to take classes outside what I needed for transfer to a university, because those classes inspired and informed my creativity.

But with graduation, I found “selfishness” hard. Part of it was that I never actually understood the psychological impact of having no job. I didn’t move out of the parents’ house until my guy and I had a decent financial cushion. I worked, wrote and went to school for the 3 years of my upper division coursework at California State University, Sacramento.

When I lost my job, I tried to focus on searching and writing. Soon, writing was going all right, but the job hunt was hitting dead ends. I started to juggle odd jobs, just enough to slow our downward trajectory. It took two years before serious help was needed, but by that time picking up a book or writing was starting to make me feel guilty.

The stuff that was for me, and me alone, seemed to be more selfish than anything. It wasn’t about to make money quickly. We weren’t about to become secure, not like we were when I was in college and we were saving money, and socking it away.

With savings dedicated to food, bills and more I have had to change my perspective. My writing is for me. The escape, the “me time” is needed so that I can keep a clear head throughout the day. There are hard decisions ahead, and I am employing my belief in self-sufficiency in order to better my quality of life, but keep it affordable.

I am selling off the excesses of a better time, beginning sewing projects, and returning to jewelry making. Planning to sell what I can. Meanwhile I am tutoring English, and giving myself time to read, think and write.

While it is hard to be selfish when you are working toward a future with someone else, in a partnership, if you can’t take care of yourself then you can’t help anyone else either. That is something that I knew, but have had a hard time putting into practice recently. So with my mind set, dedicated to what I need to do, I hope 2012 will be better.

Measures to Mature My Process

Pacing is not a good idea with roommates. I mean, I felt crazy enough when I used to live with the parents and my mom would tell me to stop because she could “feel the energy.” Lol.

My guy is the only one who has encouraged it. But due to realities of our modern economy, we have had 3 roommates since the start of ‘09. Thankfully our current roomie is an absolute dear, and I wouldn’t know what to do without her.

But I like her. And I don’t need her to know exactly how crazy I am. Because, well, I guess I still get a bit self-conscious about this whole thing. So I have adjusted my pacing to walking.

Source: google.com via Drea on Pinterest

I turn on Pandora on the cellphone, plug in the earbuds and head for the least car-filled route near my home. And then I zone in and if the world sees me walking, crazy-eyed and talking to myself---

Well, they can deal. I still need to think. I have to get my thoughts together before I write. I have done best, written fastest, and completed projects better the more pre-writing time I dedicate to it. So this is what I have to do.

And I have to listen to me.

Image: via viva institute

Zoning-In

Source: dreamstime.com via Drea on Pinterest

So I mentioned that I “zone-in.” When I’m writing, this pattern gets down-right eccentric. I used to be completely self conscious of how my thoughts affected me. Most writers seem capable of sitting and dreaming. Quiet contemplation and organizing thoughts seem to be what people expect. I guess I’m not too good at doing what I’m supposed to. My imagination has always made me … move.

Writing is a very good way for me to lose weight, by the way. In my most “zoned-in” summer right after graduation I survived on berries with yogurt in the morning, iced coffee, and a small dinner. And when I zone-in, I have to move. I pace. Like a caged animal. I can’t help it, and dance beats help--and stuff in other languages or where I can’t quite hear the words, or if the words help with to punctuate the beat. When my thoughts get loud enough, I have to move.

Source: artinfo.com via Drea on Pinterest

I can zone-in so much that nothing else exists, but thoughts and my feet on the floor, and the music. I can’t feel hunger, I can’t feel my aching neck--which hurts more often then not--and in a sense I don’t exist. This is the best feeling ever.

When I write, I do something similar. I can fall into the page, into the words and everything outside the keyboard and my fingers dancing among the letters just...doesn’t exist. Then the story is, and becomes all that is. Even my fingertips cease to register. It’s a version of going on automatic, I think.

Source: google.com via Drea on Pinterest

*Sources For Pics: Found on Pinterest

Focus: dreamstime.com

Dancer: artinfo.org

Baby on Computer: google.com

2011, Good Bye!

Frowny Face clipart
from Clker.com

2011 was a bad year. I think I started 2011 saying 2010 was a bad year. Let’s suffice to say that I have spent the time since graduating college in ‘09 trying to find myself again. Who am I without school? Who am I without reliable employment?

I have had trouble writing while worried about making rent and eating. So I tried to write about the stuff I was exploring: cooking and fashion.

In that regard 2011 was a fail, too. Mostly because I seem to be out of practice taking pictures. My fingers just don’t itch for the camera. When I cook, like when I write or plunge into a crafty-project, I zone-in. I focus on what I’m doing to such a degree, everything else just...goes away.

Thumbs Down Smiley clipart
from Clker.com

So that works well for getting stuff done when I put my mind to it, but it doesn’t always go well with pretty or detailed posts.

But I am now arranging for posts to post way ahead of time, and as long as I write fairly regularly and make sure the posts are cued--with luck, I'll be sticking with it.

Another big change that may be making this possible is: I have a job! A real job! something with a future! So, that changes my attitude towards all the stuff I "want" in my life--like my writing. I return to it because, well, I have other things handled.

That feels about this good:

Face Grin clipart
from Clker.com

If you're following the project: an aside

Last week, poor health struck. It always happens at the worst times. Right before my health slid my characters decided to become unpredictable. Midway through that last "chapter" they went off on tangent I didn't expect. They might be taking me down a different plot than I planned for.

So while the next chapter is started, I need to weave myself back into the complete surrender for the chapter to finish. What happens is that I plunge on, and let the characters carry me. When the whole thing is done, there is a high probability that where the novel started (and what the world--and magic look like at the onset) is not what it will be when the last sentence draws to a close.

For me, I spend a lot of time "planning" but a plannings session is more like watching the characters dance along in my minds eye. Sometimes I run through an idea before it hits the page. But with "non-Don-Yin" stories that isn't likely to happen with the same frequency.

Pausing when writing is really a bad thing. Especially when I just got in the swing of things. But I couldn't control my health.

sometimes, I feel guilty that life strikes. I blame myself for not pushing myself when I don't feel well. Perhaps I should try to push next time...but this last week, a wash, i sin the past.

So...if you're curious about process, this is a bit of an inside to how it works for me :)

Chapter 5

It took a week of sitting on the stool before we actually began to discuss magic. And the day and week did not go according to plan. I had heard the others girls chatting in the room at night I still understood very little, but had the impression that they were impatient.