So onto another bit from Silver Mask (or not). I don't count myself a master of description. I think it's one of my weakest areas :( So that's why I signed up! Exercise is good.
###
Kyr recognized her instantly. Not who she was, but her title: Taeverai. She crossed under the marble lintel while the servants held wide the bronze doors and he knew. Her long green skirts adorned in ivory and golden embroidery proclaimed her family standing. She was the younger child of Old Ones. The taeree, an apron-like garment few Rextian women still wore, told him she followed the traditions. Her young face belied the age her outfit led him to assume, and then lamplight glinted on her hand. A ring. He didn't need to see it to know what it looked like. All Taeverai had one. A ruby set in gold, etched with one phrase: “Re zath chem.” I know and I listen.
But what was she doing here?
She wore her braids in a tight knot on her head. She was unwed, only two thin braids fell from the bun and down her back. Two jeweled pins glinted in her brown locks. She had stuffed them deep, likely to hide the tarnish. Mothers passed rare items to their daughters, and no Rextian was wealthy enough to buy such pieces new. All Rextian jewelry remaining in the frozen north had been crafted before their ancestors fled the falling kingdom across the seas. Centuries old.
Why here? Why Now?
She curtsied in the Kordic way, reminding him he sat on his throne in Castle Ednin. His hall, where he answered only to the Emperor. He shouldn't know what she was. A Taeverai must have no meaning to him. Her position as the keeper of Rextian knowledge and tradition could not be recognized here. He could not defer to her with the respect her station deserved. No matter what he thought, really thought. More disguise, more lies.
He forced his mouth into the familiar thin line, and pretended he couldn't read the Rextian codes etched into her attire. Only another Rextian would be trained to read those things. She couldn't know. He couldn't let anyone else know.
For Jira, he thought, and assumed the cold, dispassionate posture an outsider would expect of the imposing Lord Kyr Ednin.
###
All right...there might be one solid paragraph or two of description. Do I need more? What else would you like top "see"?
Hi,
ReplyDeleteThe main thing is you brought her alive: I could see her, see what Kyr was seeing! That's word painting!
Where they were at = embience of their surroundings, probably mentioned elsewhere.
Nice piece!
best
F
best
F
Honestly I think you did a fine job with description. It seemed need in the story line to move the character/ plot forward. my favorite line :"She was unwed, only two thin braids fell from the bun and down her back." because I just love the idea of those braids!
ReplyDeleteThank you Francine and Summer. Lol! The surroundings! *palm to forehead* probably should've included that, thanks :P It's funny what I focus on...this is a "new" passage, the original was in the perspective of Gellayna (the Taeverai girl) and the room featured prominently. So I should've integrated more of that, even through Kyr's familiarity with the ambiance and such. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteAs I read it, I felt I was in a throne room or something. You really painted her well, and I too loved the bit about the braids. I'm curious about Kyr and what is he hiding? He's the same as her but he's on a throne and he doesn't want anyone to know he knows about her culture. Intriguing! :D
ReplyDeleteThe decription of the girl, details that he shouldn't know, but did was a cool twist on the topic. Your details are so vivid. Loved this entry!
ReplyDeleteEdge of Your Seat Romance
You mingled action with description. That is so key. You don't want the reader to step into the room and stand in place and look around. You kept the camera moving, and that's important.
ReplyDelete- Eric
I definitely saw the scene and the girl. The braids signaling her marital status was a nice touch. You could mix more action in it, but it's only a couple of paragraphs. Not every paragraph needs plenty of action. My eye kept moving.
ReplyDeleteYou set up the suspense really well. I wonder why he is undercover in the court which seems to be his own?
ReplyDeleteThe girl is described in great detail. I could see her so clearly.
Marble lintel, bronze doors, green skirts, tarnished jeweled pins. you've got the imagery flowing nicely already.
ReplyDeleteYou painted a culture here; a world and politics, and the weight of a king seeing a walking legend. It was mystical, haunting.
ReplyDeleteDescription doesn't have to be scenery. You've proven that remarkable well here.
Good work.
...........dhole
You did an excellent job describing the people! I could see both of them clearly, which is a huge part of anchoring any scene. I really want to read the whole story now!
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone :D I really appreciate all of the comments. :D
ReplyDeleteExcellent job--you brought the noble maiden to life! Some of the words would probably be more profound had I known the background for the story, but it was still an well-wordpainted entry!
ReplyDeleteOooo... Very nice. I like the description of the female in this story. The words that I would be unfamiliar with seem to fit perfectly and I was able to follow it even with unfamiliarity of the world they are in. Excellent job as this is something I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteOh, and just so you know, Dawn is actually my middle name. I use it as the first in my pen name. :-D